It can be scary, the things our minds are drawn to; the fantasies that manifest inside us, which our arousal seems to fuel deeper. We can fight it, but relapse is inevitable that way. There is no way to ‘push’ away such things from your life, and as much as you think burying these arousing concepts feels like a safe option all it serves to do is make them stronger. You are using all your power to buy time as they expand.
If you hide baby monsters under the carpet they will grow bigger in the dark.
This applies to any thought that invades our mind. However, those that arouse our sexuality are the most powerful. Our sex is akin with creation and thus it holds such a high vibration, such pleasure, and addiction. Avoiding something you have fantasied on reveals how much you want it. The more you imagine it and try to resist the more you will need that exact thing to feel satisfied.
It can be an experience, a person, an action, or as simple as a feeling or state of mind we want to achieve [or are curious of]. Often it is a combination that we resist, only to relapse, or suffer the ruminating thoughts that invade our mind. They grow and take over. This is most distracting in our lives.
It can get so bad as to ruin our sense of self and depress us, as these thoughts come as we go about our day and interact with others; we know we aren’t being true to ourselves. Unknowingly, when we repress ourselves, we give off this aroma of lesser than or inadequate. In contrast, when we allow ourselves time to indulge in our arousal (fetish) we shine, and give others permission to do the same.
It almost seems as relapse is exactly what you need to do.
A Time For Relapse
Relapse is often looked at alongside addiction; things that have an inherently ‘bad for you’ connotation. Consider what it is you are withdrawing from and why. In there you may find many different things. Yet, you will always find fear.
“Good” cannot exist without “bad”. Nor, light without darkness.
There is a time to indulge in such things on either side. This does not mean one should go looking for trouble, but it also does not mean they shouldn’t. Like the ebb and flow there is a time to experience different sensations. Be certain, however, the more you resist an experience the stronger it will come calling. The more it will invade your thoughts. It will break down your defences and force you into relapse; into submission of what you deny yourself. The guilt that follows can be overwhelming. Guilt that is shed once you come into alignment with your own needs and desires… all of them.
There is even more confliction when you have dipped your toes in, and then allowed your hesitation to resist, and avoid diving into something you wanted to experience completely. Your withdrawal is another way to avoid the fear of the unknown, namely what heights could you experience if you allowed yourself.
Your Feelings Tell the Truth
Relapsing, that is, giving in to withdrawal, is a sign that something is missing in your life. Ironically, you already know inside what it is. Maybe your withdrawal was misplaced, or quite possibly you’ve scared yourself into believing you can’t be a certain sort of person if you have those interests. It’s your way of staving off the pain of acknowledging every aspect of yourself. Pain can be healing. It’s why the unsavoury things we fantasize about are essential. Just as being is essential.
Listen to your feelings, they are your truth. A pure response to something that is completely your own. They are your guidance system. Do not fear your emotions. Embrace them. Experience them. When you are able to withstand a feeling without it taking over you, you can control its affect on you (mind, body, and actions). Fear itself is only a feeling, and we have the power over that as well.
Grace in the Relapse
If there is one thing to give, it’s grace. To all. Especially to ourselves. Regardless of where you are in your habitual patterns of withdrawal, relapse, and acceptance you’ll find once you realize you were created to experience and give yourself grace endless possibilities of the impossible can become reality. That is a beautiful, exciting thing, and we all have that power.